This post is dedicated to a near complete A-Z story of what my stay in the hospital was like from the moment my sandals hit the Maternity Ward to the instant I was back in the California sunlight and on my own. Keep reading :)
Friday 9/21/18
One eye opened and donut brain pretty much was the summation of Thursday night's sleep. I had set my alarm to sound at 5:30am. and of course my eyes really never closed fully throughout the night in anticipation, fear, anxiety and nerves.
!**Beep.Beep.Beep.Beep.**!
5:30am was here.
My big body'd self did what it always does in the morning, some grunting noise to shimmy my upper-body half-up, a heave-ho roll over and a quiet "whoooop" of deep breath exhale to get up out of bed.
The morning was still dark and the house was still. I took my phone in my hands and went to the spare room, or should I say Pepper's soon-to-be room, where I sat, in the dark. Scrolling through my phone, I opened up YouTube and typed "Guided Meditation for anxiety." Meditating has brought me to places I never thought my mind, body and soul could go. So it was first on my agenda for the morning of Pepper's birth. My choice was selected and my body began the meditation.
This specific meditation was extremely profound for me; which is story for another day. Even typing this sentence takes me back to that morning and fills my eyes.
After a couple mediations, I began to get ready. My bags were packed, my make-up was on, and my snack bag was plump. Well, I think I'm ready.
We loaded in the vehicle and checked into the Maternity Ward.
7:30am
Nurse: "Today and the past few days we have been SO busy here with births, so for now you will be sharing a room."
My heart froze and nerves set in. Sharing a room? They had mentioned the possibility of this but also said how rare this ever occurred. So of course, it wouldn't happen to me right? Okay, DEEP breath. No big deal. I can share a room.
We entered the room where another mommy was recovering behind a curtain with her baby Post-Partum. There was no one on her side of the room, no father, no visitors, no television on, just quietness. It made me even more anxious and sad, I suppose...
I was instructed to take all of my clothes off and change into of course a beautiful johnny in the shade "bland-blue" along with my nude toned no-slip-grip socks. My hospital bed was waiting and coaxing me over with it's come hither welcoming self…not. I sat in my dedicated bed and 3 bracelets were banded to me right off the bat with applicable information needed for my stay.
The cesarean preparation began. My initial nurse was trying to find a good vein to insert the IV into and poked me 3 times in order to do so, which failed each time. It HURT like a mother f'er! She had to get back-up and have a labor and delivery nurse try. My right hand was used for this and finally a vein accepted the IV in a spot that was fairly uncomfortable but "would have to do" she mentioned. It wasn't long after this that my fluids were hooked up and I was wheeling my bag of hydration down the hallway closer to Pepper looking back at my bags and belongings.
They had both Freddie and I in a holding room where we met my anesthesiologist, Dr. Tou, my dedicated labor nurse, Jen and assistant nurse (nameless?). Freddie put on his throwaway navy blue scrubs equipped with footies, a hair net and mask. I was told to just add a hair net to my ensemble to complete the look. Freddie was instructed to stay there and my nurse Jen walked me to the OR room all by myself. My heart rate increased to the point of my bland-blue johnny visibly throbbing as I entered the room and peered around at the equipment, lights, temperature and technology.
10:00am
The OR room door opened and immediately my body began to shiver and sweat at the same time. It was about 10 or so degrees cooler, the lights were a whitish-blue and the equipment was sterile and unwelcoming. Nurse Jen instructed me to sit on the table-bed in the middle of the room, I sat and looked left to where bright spotlights shinned down at the soon to be show, where I was going to be the immobile star.
Dr. Tou, my anesthesiologist told me to curl my back, not move and and hold my knees. Nurse Jen stood in front of me and pulled my shoulders toward her. They inserted the injection in my spine which would make my chest down to my feet completely numb. During this process much small talk about life, where I was from, my travels, etc. took place in order to distract me from focusing on the spinal injection and avoid entering a panic attack. They were PRO's at this! I engaged in conversation, and whilst it did help, it was certainly hard to care two bits about speaking about Maine and how lovely the seasons are there.
Dr. Tou "Okay, I'm going to need to you lie on your back"
Me: "Okay"
Slowly turning myself to lie down
Dr. Tou: "Like NOW and quickly"
Oh my goodness he got assertive, was everything okay? NOW, I understood why. Instantly, my legs began to get really warm and prickly feeling. Within a matter of one minute, I was completely numb from my ribcage down. What a strange feeling. My mind raced too…If something happens, I can't run away. I'm completely dependent on someone for everything for the next few hours. Hopefully the end of the world doesn't occur because i'm completely done for. "Okay, breath…" I tapped into my meditation spot from earlier in the morning. I felt the breeze of that meadow and the wisps of grass brushing my ankles.
Nurse Jen began to slide my legs around in order to insert the catheter. I could not feel one thing! It's a great thing my mother made sure to tell me that all modesty needs to be put away once giving birth. I remembered this and it calmed me. Because, well frankly…I was nearly star-fished out there with not many more secrets to hide.
More nurses entered the room. Making a total of 6 or so total people in the OR with me. Again, being bashful wasn't an option. Quite the first meeting.
The countdown began of the equipment that would be used; making note of each piece so one doesn't accidentally get build-a-bear'd inside of me I suppose. While this was occurring, one of the nurses was scrubbing my belly and all I could feel was pressure and my body rocking from side to side on the table-bed. Dr. Tou asked me about my pain level and how I was fairing throughout the entire process, what a nice man. He sat behind me in front of a monitor gauging my every feeling and adjusting as needed.
A large blue shield-like covering was put in front of my face and hung from pole to pole on either sides of my bed just underneath my chest so that I could not see the madness that was ensuing down below.
My delivering doctor, Dr. Phong: "We are ready for Daddy."
Nurse Jen: "I will go get him."
Moments later, Freddie entered the room still in his same wardrobe as before and sat down in a chair near my face holding my hand.
Nurse Jen: "Michelle, you are going to feel some pressure here so just take a deep breath."
I entered my meditation state once again to obstruct the pressure feeling with happy and peaceful thoughts. The sunlight warmed my forehead and Kohlo (my late dog and best friend) was sitting next to me. There was a still and calm for just as far as our eyes could see over the meadow that stretched for miles.
Within 7 minutes of the first cut, Pepper was here.
10:30am
Whehhhnnnn. Whehhhnnnn. Whehhhnnnn.
Dr. Phong "Here is your baby girl!"
Dr. Tou picked my head up and dropped the shield momentarily so that I could see my sweet Pepper.
They quickly brought her over to the incubator where two nurses and Freddie tended to her, cut the umbilical cord and swaddled her up. She came in at 6lbs and 14oz.
My eyes were leaking and my chin was trembling. My entire body began shaking and quivering in overwhelming involuntary shock. My vision was blurry due to a sea of water continuously flowing. Nothing else mattered to me in the world. Nurses came back to see my face and congratulate me. Shakily whispering, I mumbeled a slurred "thank you."
While they were tending to my open wound and sewing me back up, Pepper and Freddie both stayed right with me. I couldn't much speak, I was tired, drugged and couldn't do anything but stare with drips of water oozing down my cheeks. Once she was cleaned up and swaddled, her 10 minute old self came to visit me in her Daddy's arms and stayed right near my face for the remaining 20 or so minutes of the surgery.
Once all equipment was accounted for again, they wheeled in my bed which would be my home for the duration of my stay and transferred my dead-weighted body onto it like a dolphin in a sling about to be released from captivity. I was completely useless in helping and embraced the quick roller-coaster ride from surgical table to hospital bed. Wheeee!
Quickly, my daughter was placed in my arms all brand new. Our bond began. One of the nurses and Freddie wheeled me into recovery. Where I stayed for a duration of approximately an hour in which I fed Pepper for the first time, and vitals were taken frequently of both her and I. It was at this point were I tried to get a grip on life and what was happening…it still hasn't set in.
The medication and anesthesia made me enter the twilight zone, so when nurses were talking, as much as I tried to engage, I was just googley-eyed and on another planet, but responsive enough to make them think I was listening or cared….sounds like I've practiced huh?
We were allowed back to our "home", room 158 in which was equipped as a sharing room but luckily we had this room solely to ourselves. Freddie had his own bed, I obviously was velcro'd (not literally) to mine for some time and Pepper had her little bassinet as well. It was official. WE WERE A FAMILY!
They fitted me with a belly band to keep my incision in tact and uninterrupted. The support was welcomed and to this day, one week later, I haven't taken it off except to shower.
1:30pm
My family back in Maine decided to have a Welcome to the World Pepper Party at my Grandparent's house. They had lunch and mimosas to-boot, awaiting photos and celebrating a birthday.
Friends and Family began flooding in with joy and excitement. I was so ready to show her off to them! My heart, mind and soul was trying to be present but it was certainly hard to do so. Everyone moved so slowly and my eyes still couldn't keep up as I was still in my own little world of shock and medicine.
Ut oh…room full of people and my nausea was settling in. I got sick maybe three times, but luckily nobody seemed to mind. My make-up was still in tact and it really looked like not much had happened except for, well you know…I HAD A BABY! —Here is the point in my speech were I'd like to thank Elf Cosmetics for truly a great experience and make-up tested two thumbs up. My bronzer still glowed and winged eye-liner uninterrupted.
I was fed a liquid diet of vegetable broth for both lunch and dinner in which I was able to stomach probably a half a cup total. Food wasn't a priority.
Saturday 9/22/18
Breakfast was served at 8am -dry wheat toast, roasted potatoes, oatmeal, fresh fruit, soy milk, coffee and juice. I picked at it at best and kept on with the day.
Saturday was filled with more visitors, not as many as Friday but just as much love and support as always. I'm pretty sure by now, the nursing staff were starting to think we were some sort of celebrity family by all of the attention we were receiving.
Nurses were always in and out checking up on myself, my incision and everything with Pepper. I was cleared to shower, thank GOODNESS! There is nothing more that I wanted than this. I did have to take it really slow, like slug slow. The warm water felt so relieving and rejuvenating to my body, I felt somewhat normal again.
I jumped back into a clean johnny as it was easier to wear this than my own clothes due to the nurses needing to keep checking my incision amongst other things.
**Let me just note, how much I LOVE the mesh undies they provided me. How brilliant of an invention and YES, they were just perfect!
Lunch was served at 1:30 - Water, steamed broccoli, pasta with marinara sauce, and fruit cup. Today I was so damn tired of sitting down! My tailbone was yelling at me so I decided to eat lunch standing up. I managed a couple bites and got bored and, okay…ready to sit back down.
A few more family members graced us in between this time and dinner. We did have some down time in which we took advantage of with naps in between feedings and new born care.
Dinner was served at 6pm - Water, veggie burger, vegetable soup, and steamed broccoli. I couldn't even bare the site of food so Freddie munched down!
I did bring snacks so when I was hungry I enjoyed those.
Evening came quick and this was a better night sleep than the previous one.
Sunday 9/23/18
After speaking with the nurses and pediatrician we felt confident we could take this family party back to our house. The staff discharged us at around 2:30pm.
Breakfast, served again at 8am consisted of oatmeal, fresh fruit, soy milk, coffee as ordered. Lunch was a fantastic tofu stir fry and minestrone soup with water.
The nurse staff was more than accommodating and were constantly in and out of our room checking Pepper's vitals, her pee, poop and feeding chart, as well as all of my vitals and incision. I'm beyond impressed with our level of care and attention. Overall, it was a great experience.
Freddie packed the room up, brought our items to the car and came back with her car seat. We buckled her in, snuggled her up and the nurse took a family photo. <3
The door opened to the outside world. Sunshine and warmth flooded in as the door pushed out. I carried a baby blanket and Freddie had the car seat. My right foot stepped onto the walkway and, it was official. We were on our own...We buckled her in and I sat in the back seat with her and home we went.
I didn't really know how to feel. Excited? Nervous? Alone? Anxious? To be honest, I felt a still in the world. The noise was US and we were driving in a quiet world. Yes, life was moving around us and people were about their business, but for some reason, I felt louder than any other person, object, or car on our path.
After making a quick detour to Jamba Juice and CVS for pain medication, we pulled up at home, unloaded the car and stepped into the condo. It was silent here and I knew in that moment that our world had changed. Forever! I took a deep breath and thought to myself. Okay,
let's do life.
